| | This is the time of year in which people make a resolution to improve their lives by dieting, exercising, or doing various other activities that will make their lives better. Usually people's resolutions fall in the following categories (categories from a website I found):
1. Lose Weight and Get in Better Physical Shape - The battle of the proverbial "bulge" is a constant fight for Americans obsessed with weight. Americans spend $115 million on ab workout machines alone in order to attain the ultimate sign of physical health in today's obsessed and oft-deluded culture: the six-pack. However, despite the financial commitment to this supposed physical excellence, it seems that it has yet to translate over to the general population as obesity rates have doubled from 1980 to 2002, reaching the current rate of 32% of the adult population. That's alot of fat folks of which I'm sure half reside in Houston...
2. Stick to a Budget/Debt Reduction - If you're an accountant and want a bad case of insomnia, google National Debt Clock. We owe over $10 trillion as a nation! It makes you wonder, where in the heck did this money go to? I guess $10 trillion just doesn't go as far as it used to...
3. Enjoy More Quality Time with Family and Friends - I suspect that the people who make this resolution tend to be on the older side. I can't imagine some of my friends telling me, "Ya know, Josh, being awesome 24/7 at the night club scene just isn't cutting it for me anymore. I think it's time I settle down. I can just imagine it now. We'll play Cranium with other couples, watch romantic comedies, and sit down to the occasional scrumptious brunch. It'll be great!"
4. Find My Soul Mate - Matchmaking and online dating services is now a billion dollar industry. Every year, I hear people say, "<insert year> is gonna be the year I find <Mr./Mrs.> Right! I can feel it!!!" And every year, the people at e-harmony get a little richer and the optimism fairy gets a little sadder. BTW: I looked it up online and the average cost of a diamond engagement ring is $3,500 to $4,000. That's about the price of a pretty sweet plasma TV. Just sayin'...
5. Quit Smoking - While I applaud anyone who wants to make a change in their lives, it should be noted that studies have found that only 12% actually ever achieve their New Year's resolutions. That percentage is probably depressed quite a bit due to people in this category. Thanks alot, smokers. Not only are you giving us second-hand smoke cancer, but you're also depressing us with the afore-mentioned statistic! >___<
6. Find a Better Job - Someday, Lord willing, I will move up from assistant burger-flipper to cashier at McDonald's. I hear they get to wear a nifty hat...
7. Learn Something New - This can either end harmlessly with the book on how to learn French in 60 easy lessons lying unused in the corner when 2010 rolls around...or it can end quite not-so-harmlessly with the poor sap trying to serenade the crush of his life with the new "skillz" he learned playing the guitar and singing Extreme's "More Than Words"...badly...VERY badly. And no...I'm not speaking from experience. Really, I'm not. Why do you ask?
8. Volunteer and Help Others - Tip #148 on how to be world's best wingman: When your best bud says out loud to a girl, "Hey, I'm thinking of joining the Peace Corp"...it probably means that he's hitting on her. So, if you wanna earn your "wings" as wingman, it probably isn't the best time to bring up his vast collection of semi-automatic and slightly illegal automatic weaponry that he so proudly keeps. Seriously...not a good time.
9. Get Organized - I don't know why people would want to make this resolution. I mean, the floor IS the world's largest shelf, isn't it? It's MEANT to have that pile of day-old clothes on it! And if you're wondering if that shirt is safe to wear, just try Josh's Three-Sniff Test. Guaranteed to screen out the "WHOAH...what the heck was that?" from the perfectly wearable clothes...
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| | Posted 1/4/2009 11:50 PM - 18 Views - 4 eProps - 2 comments
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